Woman to Woman: Releasing Your Inner Sex Goddess

It’s the most common complaint of the married couple – the fire has gone out of their sex life, that passion that they used to feel in the early years has given way to the same life, day in and out. You might blame the kids, the dog, the job or the house and be right on all accounts…but the choice to reignite your big girl flame begins inside of you and you alone. If the thought of becoming or nurturing your inner sex goddess doesn’t sit well with you, rest assured that there are lots of personality types in women…and some simply are not going to resonate with the concept of sex as communication and commitment. There is no right or wrong way to go about the passion that you feel for your mate.

For those of us girls with a sensual subnature – you know who you are, the girls who always do their paws and claws with some flair, believe that going out requires looking your absolute best, even if it’s to the grocery store – if your walk will stop traffic – it’s you. The idea of making love for hours interests you, and I understand. I want to kiss the man I love for two hours…it’s amazing. I could do it every day for the rest of my life. I have spent the past few months learning much about the Tantric concepts of lovemaking for specifically that reason – I love him. Given that I’m still his number one fan, knowing all his faults and failures, giving him the connectedness of being one in body, mind and soul is the most unique and priceless gift I could find.

Eroticism is the most misunderstood part of marital sex. Psychologist term the “committed to one another, but marked by an uninspired sex life” of couples who seek counseling as a functional relationship. In this case, the two people have entangled their intimate connection to one another with all that stuff listed above…the kids, house, job, the latest fight, grudges, and conflicts or hurt feelings. All of it is there in the bedroom, never leaving, never resolving. This couple may appear to be “finding themselves” but actually live two nearly separate lives. They find time to have sex and children. In many marriages, love is about the basic of intimate necessity (safety and security) for her and natural desire for him. It’s an adolescent pattern that places the potential for shame over sexual intimacy and unfulfilled desires, mixed with an unwillingness to grow or experiment within the context of the relationship.

What does erotic love have to do with having a healthy connection? Good question. Eroticism is often seen as a negative or “dirty” concept regaled to the adult video section where nice girls don’t tread. In reality, eroticism is highly fulfilling to the couple and can really enhance your intimate connection with your partner. The essence of erotic sex is far from acting out porn (although many couples find this to be a pleasurable aid in intimacy) or acting out on risky impulses…instead, it is about playfulness, mystery, curiosity and a creative intimacy that is totally free.

Erotic Love

So you’ve made the commitment that you want to feel and experience the heightened mind, body and spiritual connection that is possible with your mate? First step is to get them on board with your thought process. Your goal is the ultimate in intensity possible. This can only happen when you join your energy as a unique human soul with your mate’s energy…through deliberate lovemaking and erotic relaxation, you can achieve this state of erotic bliss. It must be a shared journey with the purpose of uniting your sexual energy in the most intimate way possible.

Exercise One:

Find a comfortable space where you can lay that also has many pillows. You cannot be interrupted, by sound or another individual. Put soft background music on that appeal to you both – preferably something unfamiliar without lyrics. Give yourself a good couple hours for this practice. Setting the space is highly important – look for lower lighting including candlelight, incense with jasmine or dragons blood scenting, an aromatic oil or lotion placed in a warmer, and no clutter. A chilled bottle of wine is optional. You will need gauze or flimsy scarf, rose petals (fresh) and a small bowl of ice.

Your goal is to depart from the everyday world in a meditative state with your loved one, and the routine of place and clutter will block the experience. Begin by coming close together, breathing in as the other breathes out. Wearing lose fitting natural clothing is the best at this juncture, such as a light cotton robe. Breathe deeply in as your lover – think in those terms, and envision that person that you crave as your most intimate connection – exhales. Breathe each other in. Recognize the act, feel his breath mingle with yours, drawing deeply his air – and he yours. Intentionally gaze deeply into each others eyes, breathing. Allow each of you to simply use your fingers to trace the face, the eyelids the lips, the throat. Feel the elegance of their hair against your skin, breathing them in all the while. Feel your own energy rise with each touch of the fingertips.

Have your love recline on the pillows, still remaining in a quasi upright position. It’s time for that lotion to warm his skin…test it to make sure it is not too hot. The love of my life often remarks on how much he loves how I smell – and I use that lotion for that purpose. I want him to think of what it is like to have his hand on my waist, to feel the softness of skin on skin, and to kiss for hours. Straddle your mate so that your chests are facing, without engaging in the touch of any private parts. Clothes are still on, girls.

I’ve spent hours tracing my fingers up and down my love’s shoulders, breathing in the smell of his hair, describing to him in detail how much I love the feeling of his body against mine. Try that with your mate, giving time to each part of his body, recognizing the beauty and strength of each muscle, each space. It is important to remain in eye contact, absorbing the energy of your union and the space around you. Be present and aware of the feelings in your own body, and the desire fueled by the intensity. As your intensity increases, take turns blindfolding each other to use the other items near you. Crush the rose petals and have your lover inhale their fragrance; feel them against their bare chest. Trace ice on the tips of fingers, against the inside of the thigh or even on the tongue. Other items you might try: feathers, strawberries, warmed stones for massage. If each of you comes to the experience with your own surprise box (unknown to the other) it will greatly increase your playful time.

Remember: this form of sex is designed to broaden deepen and expand the boundaries of your relationship. It’s here that you find you have no inhibitions left – and it is true that in this discovery process, your inhibitions will fall away into the trust of your union together. When it feels appropriate, you change positions and allow him to fully discover your body as well. An important note: sometimes this is a slow, sensual and erotic process. Sometimes, the intensity takes over and there is no pulling back from the absolute bliss that we find being intimate together. There is no right or wrong.

This exercise doesn’t end in sex…although it can if you want it to. The point is to build your erotic time together and increase your anticipation of the act of lovemaking to be the most intense, pleasurable experience possible. Anticipation is 90% of erotic love, and it might end with intense against the wall passionate sex, or it may spiral into days of making love in your mind before a union might happen.

It’s never hard to start. Begin early in the day by leaving a note or a flower, or letting your love know that you’re imagining their body as you work out, considering how the sweat forms on their muscles as you picture them in the gym with you, the erotic nature of coming together in an uncommon place or time. Whisper into your phone or his ear in a public place something that he doesn’t expect…and smile. Make eye contact. Allow your energy to flow into him, through him and then back into you.

Like you, I want sensuality and emotionality that transcends everyday life. I don’t believe in “losing the spark.” Instead, I want to create a healthy, erotic firestorm that inspires him to feel connected and fulfilled by our union, every day for the rest of our lives.

7 Tips on Visiting Sex Websites, If You Must

1) Avoid using your real name. In fact, you should avoid using even the name of a friend, a relation or your pet. Invent an unlikely username or alias.

2) which has your employer’s name in it. Create a special e-mail account that you will only use at adult websites. For example, use Hotmail or Gmail. They are both anonymous, free and cannot be traced back to you.

3) Always read a website’s policy on privacy and the terms of its service. Those pages should tell you how the site will handle your personal information or your request for a refund. Be on the alert if a site’s policy or terms page is too long, too short, vague, unnecessarily legal-sounding or if it contains errors.

4) Whenever possible, use an anonymous service like PayPal to make payments on the internet. If I stopped you in the street and asked for your credit card details, you wouldn’t give them to me. Likewise, if you must pay by credit card or through a bank account, you should find out something about the website beforehand. Also acquaint yourself with its payment policy. For example, if you plan to make recurring payments, be aware of the frequency at which the site will bill your card or your bank account. It might not look good for your monthly statement to contain a dozen transactions of an erotic nature. Find out, in advance, how payments will show up in your statement.

5) If you order erotic goods, use a post box or secret shipping address rather than your home or work address.

6) Never visit adult websites at your office or workplace. Unless, of course, you are in the adult business yourself.

7) After you visit an adult website, delete the contents of your browser’s cookie, cache and history folders. You can easily find out how to do so from the Internet Explorer website, the Firefox website, and so on.

Addicted – Break Free From Pornography Today

Here are five reasons why you should combat your Addiction:

1. Get to know Pornography for what it is.

Pornography is the depiction of sexually explicit materials with the interest of making the viewer or reader, sexually aroused. Pornographic Addiction is a model of compulsive sexual activity with concurrent use of pornographic material, despite negative consequences to ones physical, mental, social and financial well-being.

2. Pornography comes in shades

Wearing glasses protects one’s eyes from reflection or hides ones injury in the eyes, different shades for the varying amount of reflection your eyes can handle. You can choose the amount of reflected pornography that your eyes/ears receive; literatures, magazines, audio’s, videos, verbal speech e.t.c, so in your form of entertainment, select your sexual innuendo can handle. Try to avoid watching, listening or reading materials that might promote sex. Filter your eyes.

3. Pornography affects your morals

The morality of an individual decreases overtime. Those exposed attach more value to casual sex and show greater acceptance of premarital sex. Pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers; it tends to develop problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction in males. Pornography raises the demand for types and amount of sexual experiences, at the same time reduce the ability to experience it. Statistics as compiled in the 2015 porn status show that marriage mates that tend to watch porn are 218% more likely to commit adultery. Analysis also shows that pornographic material puts one on increased risk of developing sexual violent tendencies; commit sexual offence, accepting rape myth and so on.

4.Those who produce have not your best interests at heart

“Instead of having sex education be boring, be technical… I’d rather have us educate our children to be critical consumers who see porn”, Dr Christian, a sex researcher of Aalborg University. Many movies watched e.g. Addicted 2014; frequent stories read and heard show that when one is exposed to sexual images or even intercourse at a young age leaves many exposed to a very wrong view of sex. First image on sex/ sensual images left in the brain of any child/teen/adult are never satisfied especially if no sex education is being given. Granted thanks to use of internet and updated technology use, one cannot filter completely porn but sex education comes first rather than having being introduced to affect our mental emotional state.

How to Do Anal Sex Properly – Again and Again

Have you seen the adult movies where the woman spreads her cheeks and the guy with the humongous penis just shoves it in her anus and starts banging away mercilessly? You can be sure that if the woman isn’t spaced out on drugs – and that’s a rarity in the modern world of porn – then there has been some preparation beforehand. You just don’t get to see it in the movie because it would (i) ruin the continuity and (ii) be quite boring.

In the world of Hollywood porn, the stunningly beautiful “actresses” usually have enemas prior to getting butt-loved within an inch of their lives.

But you aren’t a porn star (even if you wish you were). So, how do we get our women to DO IT? Well, for starters, more and more women are amenable to the idea, and these days some realize that it is such a common practice that their partners are going to expect it as a right. If you aren’t sure, don’t beat about the bush – get straight to the point. Ask her. Sex is such an integral part of any relationship that you have to get exactly what you want (and that’s mutual, by the way: if you don’t give her what she wants in bed, you’re in trouble too) or you are going to stray sooner or later, no doubt about it.

Anal sex encompasses more than just sticking your penis into someone’s anus, although that is the holy grail. The menu includes finger probing, or just rubbing the anus; annilingus (licking the anus, or even inserting the tongue); probing with toys or other objects (fruit & vegetables etc), and, finally, what the old-timers call sodomy. Whatever you call it, it feels great. Does it feel great for the woman, though? If done hurriedly, roughly or without the right preparation, definitely – it can hurt her immensely. And if you ruin it the first time, she’ll never want to do it again. So get it right the first time.

So, before we start anything, we need some lubrication. People argue over what is best, most hygienic etc, but the most important thing to remember is any lube is better than no lube. There’s a movie starring Victoria Givens where she takes on about 100 or more men in an anal gang-bang, and on the cover and it claims she didn’t use any lube. For mere mortals, this is not recommended! Good old Vaseline is the best for anal sex, followed by oil-based lube and then water-based lube. Vaseline retains its viscosity, whereas the weaker stuff can be absorbed too quickly into the skin, which means you have to stop and reapply – this can really ruin the moment.

The following is all important for an enjoyable anal experience for all. Firstly, let’s imagine enemas aren’t part of the equation, as this is a rare practice in reality. Just make sure that your partner has had a decent bowel movement at least an hour before engaging in anal activity. A pre-sodomy shower is also ideal, as it makes the first step easier. When you have your partner in the mood (preferably after some ordinary vaginal intercourse to get her nice and randy – if she climaxes beforehand – even better), flip her on her tummy and start licking gently around her anus. Pressing you tongue flat over the whole hole (pardon the pun) and pushing can give her some delightful sensations. She may prefer light flicking tongue movements, or even deeper probing into her anus. Experiment, listen for her groans, and go with the moment.

Next, insert a finger, which you have lubed up prior. Do this nice and slow – in and out to the first knuckle, then to the second. If possible, reach around and stimulate her clit at the same time. If the first finger poking goes okay, slip in a second finger. If this proves difficult, slow down and go back to the one finger. When she starts pushing back against your fingers, this is the signal to get out the big boy.

Lube your penis and her anus again until really slippery. Ask her to hold her butt cheeks apart (she can be on her knees, or even on her back with a pillow under the lower back). Gently place your glans against the forbidden entrance and ask her to push back very slowly. DO NOT rush this. Her natural reaction is not to allow your penis in there, but persist. If she can relax to the maximum degree, your job is going to be much easier. Once you get the head of your penis inside, leave it there for a while – no motion. Then gently push in an inch or two, then out again. Gradually build up until she is taking the maximum possible. If you’re not the owner of a massive member, you might be lucky to get the whole lot in there! When you are finished, pull your tool out slowly. It’s often a good idea to keep some baby wipes or similar handy – just in case. Have a shower (with your woman, of course) as soon as possible, as there may be some evil bacteria lurking about.

Finally, and this is very important if you aren’t in a stable, monogamous relationship – wear a condom for goodness sake! Everyone these days is aware of the dangers of AIDS; besides, there are other infections you may pick up, especially if you have a tear or abrasion.

So, go ahead and enjoy the pleasures of anal sex, which is no longer a taboo in a free and modern society. Just be patient, considerate and observe the basics of hygiene, and you and your partner will be engaging in butt play more often. Oh yeah, guys. If you want to know what she’s going through, swap roles and she can do you with a strap-on. You just might enjoy it!

Help For the Partners of Sex Addicts

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)

· What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.

Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.

While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.

Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.

· How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms:

* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web.

* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs.

* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform them of their whereabouts.

* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex.

* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place.

* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography

* Offers no appropriate communication during sex

* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship

* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them

* Fails to account for increasing number of toll – 800 or 900 – calls

* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes

* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them

* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them

* Feels depressed

* Is increasingly dishonest

* Hides pornography at work or home

* Lacks close friends of the same sex

* Frequently uses sexual humor

* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).

· Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?

It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.

It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.

Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.

Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.

This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.

Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

· What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?

Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.

But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.

Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.

Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.

The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.

It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.

For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.

Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.

The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.

Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?

The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.

A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.

Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.

A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.

Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.

When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.

The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.

The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.

A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.

For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.

The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.

· What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?

Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.

Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.

Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.

The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.

In couples where one partner is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary relationship, there are invariably problems with the couple’s own sexual expressiveness. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about this by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic interest in her, as she never lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The sense of having a person-related, intimate sexual encounter may diminish. Erotic expression between the couple can easily dry up, leaving the sexual co-addict feeling even more diminished as a woman and as a person.

Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. “Detectiving” is a common activity: checking his computer, looking up names and numbers, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on them. One client even invited a prostitute her spouse had frequented into her home because she wanted to know the details. The need-to-know provides the partner with a way to check up on her own reality (“Am I crazy or is this really happening?”) and provides her with a sense of much-needed (although illusory) sense of mastery over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict’s continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide “evidence” to ensure her soundness of mind — a ploy that rarely works and is exceedingly exhausting.

The final distinction between sexual co-addicts and other co-dependents is the shame associated with this “secret”. Sex as an addiction is rarely discussed in “polite society” and there is a huge social stamina associated with it. Sexually addicted clients often tell me that they’d rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of this compulsion almost ensures that the sexual co-dependent will want to hide or to provide a good “front” to deal with feelings of shame and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can’t discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life ensure that the issues underlying them will not be healed.

· What’s involved in therapy for someone who is the partner of a sex addict?

There is hope. The pain the sexual co-dependent experiences is normal. Learning a partner is sexually addicted can be devastating and debilitating. The betrayal triggers a myriad of strong emotions. Feelings of anguish, despair, rage, hopelessness and shame may overtake her. She may feel alone in unchartered territory, wondering “Where do I go from here?”

Psychotherapy is extremely important. Be sure to find a therapist conversant with these issues. What should happen in your therapy?

Treatment for sexual codependence can become a process of continued growth, self-realization and self-transformation. Working through feelings of victimization can lead to a new sense of resiliency. Going through this process can be an avenue to discovering meaning and to building stronger self-esteem. Challenges faced can elevate one to a higher level of well-being. A sense of serenity and peace from the appreciation of having worked through this process may occur.

Lessons not learned in the family-of-origin can be now be learned and worked through: appropriate self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, awareness of, acknowledgment of and expression of one’s personal reality without undo fear of retaliation, and taking better care of one’s adult needs and wants while allowing other adults to take care of theirs are all potential gains to be made in therapy and recovery.

Internal and external boundaries will be strengthened. Strong external boundaries will ensure that you will not again put yourself into a victim role. A sense of having internal boundaries will open up new avenues of healthy intimacy as you will know who you are and be able to hear who another is. At the heart of healthy intimacy is the ability to share your real self with another and be available when someone else shares his real self with you.

The sexual co-depenent may find she no longer needs to bend herself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Rejection or disapproval may be unpleasant, but not devastating. Compromising personal integrity in order to get external approval and validation will cease. With increased self-knowledge comes the ability to Self-validate while still being in a relationship. Self esteem will be generated by her behaviors rather than the approval or validation from others.

Finally, time and energy spent on preoccupation and control of the addict can be used to attend to emotional support for the children, to recommit to and obtain increased satisfaction from work, to meet new people, and to develop new recreational activities.

· How can I possibly forgive him?

Despite the fact that it may seem impossible, forgiveness is a critical part of recovery for the partner of a sex addict. To forgive is not to forget. Forgiving means being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. It is remembering — but attaching different feelings about the events, and it is a willingness to allow the pain to have decreased relevance over time. Understanding the pain, compulsion and despair that the sex addict has undergone from sexual compulsion can open avenues to compassion.

To forgive is important primarily for oneself, not for the person one forgives. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When we resent, we experience the pain and anger all over again. Serenity and resentment cannot coexist.

The process of forgiveness begins with acknowledging that a wrong has been done to you. You have to recognize that you have strong feelings about what happened and you need to feel and process those feelings. You are entitled to be angry or hurt. Ideally, you can share those feelings with the person who has hurt you in couples counseling. If that is not possible, then you can share the feelings with your therapist or support group. After that, you can choose whether to stay in a relationship with that person. In either case, forgiveness does not imply permission to continue hurtful behaviors. As part of your own treatment, you need to decide which behaviors you can accept in your relationships and which you cannot.

The primary goal of forgiveness is to heal yourself. In a partnership affected by sexual addiction, forgiveness is aided by evidence of the partner’s changed behavior and commitment to treatment. These are also elements in rebuilding trust. For many couples, forgiving and learning to trust again go hand in hand. Both take time, making amends, continued treatment and steady, continual, trustworthy behavior on the part of the addict.

After the acting out has stopped, it’s critical to not use his past behavior as a “hook” to punish or manipulate him. When a desire for revenge exists, you have not forgiven, and you see him in one dimension (“Bastard”). The capacity to see him as a whole person (he’s not just a sex addict, he’s many things) will help you move forward. Couples therapy will help you move toward a sense of him as a multidimensional person with on-going issues.

· I’m incredibly frustrated that he/she won’t tell the truth. Even when I present “evidence”, he denies his sexual acting out. How can I ever trust a man who so blatantly lies to me?

Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Addicts will go to any length to protect their double life. Denial, (“Don’t Even Know I’m Lying”) plays a huge part in any addiction process. The reality of the acting out is protected from the conscious mind. If the addict is unaware of the truth, how can he tell you?

The very thinking process of the addict becomes impaired as he becomes immersed in the denial process, giving way to the minimization of the extent of his behavior. This connects with “rationalization”: i.e. “I’m not really cheating” – “All guys do this” – “I’m not hurting anyone” – “I work hard so I deserve some pleasure.” This combination of denial, minimization and rationalization makes it extremely difficult for him to know the truth.

More complexing is the phenomenon of “dissociation”, or “The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. Dissociation is a clinical process that characterizes multiple personality disorder. While I’m not saying the sex addicts have MPD, I am suggesting that some of the same characteristics of that disorder are shared. One side of the personality protects the other side from the truth. Some level of dissociation is in every man who has a “double life”. Each side of the personality has different values, goals, beliefs and needs that conflict with the other side.

This is why, when the sexual acting out is finished, the addict feels so distressed and shameful. Mr. Hyde does the acting out and Dr. Jekyll experiences the remorse.

When the addict is acting out, he has feelings of being disconnected from himself and his environment. Clients speak of “the bubble”, the “erotic haze”, “zoning out”, and “feeling apart from myself and watching myself from afar “, of feeling “foggy” or “not feeling like a real person” Losing track of time is common as is feeling outside oneself as both an observer and a participant. Emotions are numbed; the fantasy creates an alternate reality which obscures the truth of “what is”.

Once in therapy, a primary issue that arises is a feeling of a fragmented sense of self or being unsure of his identity. Therapy will help him get to the bottom of hidden parts of himself that he may not have fully understood or been able to control until treatment starts to work. Only by getting in touch with hidden parts of himself will the full realization of his talents and strengths be realized and fulfillment in his personal relationships can begin to unfold.

· I don’t see how our relationship can survive the emotional pain and chaos of his sexual addiction. Have other couples been able to work through these issues? How have they done it?

When at least one member of a couple is sexually addicted, restoring trust and building intimacy can be very difficult. These couples must work as hard on their recovery together as a couple as they do on their individual recoveries.

One of the great challenges to recovery from sexual compulsivity is restoring or building an intimate relationship with a committed partner. Many existing relationships are seriously impaired and often don’t survive because of sexual acting out. The partner of the sex addict’s ability to trust is obviously damaged. The psychodynamic and behavioral issues underlying sexual addiction contribute to obstacles to overcoming and building intimate and committed relationships.

The good news is that we have seen from our experience that not only is it possible to repair, rebuild, or newly build a committed relationship, but the level of emotional and physical intimacy that comes from working on these issues together is sustaining, gratifying and growth-producing for each member of the couple.

· How can couples counseling help us?

Most couples who come for couples therapy after discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense. There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least about yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus. The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time given for reflective thinking. One task of the therapist is to create a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.

The therapist will do some psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame. Nothing can be done about the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a personal program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Anon for the co-addict. The couple can come out of the shadow of shame about living with sex addiction through identifying with others who have gone through similar experiences. Here, finally, they find people they can talk to about what they’ve been hiding from family and friends. Regular attendance at meetings gives structure and accountability to the life of the sex addict. A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.

Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually have never experienced healthy bonding with and nurturing from their parents. This impairs their ability to have successful bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life. The therapist might construct a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family. It shows psychiatric and physical problems throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc. The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing. With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can understand themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.

Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners have lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it. The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own. Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.

Both members of the relationship are encouraged to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. As long as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple problems, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process. How have each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship? What consequences have been experienced? What strategies have the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked? What are the repetitive arguments and fights? What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship? How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?

Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy. Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it creates from having done the work can be qualities that few couples ever experience.

The Reasons You Should Date Online Through Online Dating Sites

If getting a date is easy for many people, there is no reason why it should be difficult for others. The reason getting a date is difficult for some is just because they don’t know how to go about it. People also date for different reasons and the reasons are best known to the parties involved. Dating is almost inevitable and this shows that dating is part of life because we all enjoy sharing time with our soul mates. If we all enjoy sharing time with our soul mates, it means the importance of sharing of time with someone we love is understood and the online dating sites have been playing a very vital role in this process. Many have not yet put online dating into consideration because they either believe they have no reasons to register with an online dating site or they don’t believe in the effectiveness of these sites. In this article, you will discover the reasons why you should register with an online dating site and date online.

1. Online Dating Sites Offer Wide Variety of Potential Partners.

People have different tastes and because there is wide variety of potential partners to choose from, getting your choice and a perfect match for yourself becomes easier. When you are signing up, you need to give your profile which is the platform on which searches are based. You are advised not to give wrong information about yourself in your profile. Members have competitive profiles and this gives you a better opportunity to pick the best partner for yourself. No one is imposing anyone on you, so you are not in a kind of haste that could make you choose a partner that is contrary to your choice. Online dating sites also have different people from different parts of the world and you can conveniently be successful with your search.

2. Online Dating Sites Are Time and Money Saving.

The time and effort you would have exhausted going a certain distance to look for a partner is saved. The effort that is required to make her see the reasons why she should accept your proposal and date you is also saved if you use online dating sites. Moreover, the money you would have spent to make your partner enjoy the relationship probably by taking her to places like a cinema, party, beach or out for lunch or dinner is saved. You might need to spend to make your partner happy and comfortable, buy wines, snacks, clothes and even jewelries but because you are dating online, you won’t need to do all of these to enjoy your date. It also saves you the signing up fee which means you are getting exposed to wide variety of potential dates for free.

3. You Have The Opportunity to Meet Other Like-Minded Singles.

Online dating sites offer you the opportunity to meet other like-minded singles. When you meet other singles of the same interest, it becomes easy to share ideas and the chance to advise one another on related issues becomes available. It is always very interesting to share thoughts with other singles of the same interest because you have the same thing in common. You can share your strengths and advise one another on your weaknesses. The understanding is always stronger because all of you are exposed to almost the same challenges. Everything you do, any challenge you face and whatever you experience is always better understood by other singles of the same interest.

4. You Can Communicate Effectively With Other Members.

Communication is the life wire of dating and the online dating sites are aware of this. Because the online dating sites know the importance of communication, they have made communication effective so that members can communicate easily and as quick as possible. With the use of their short message service systems, members are able to communicate with one another whenever they want. What makes communication more interesting in online dating is that you can chat with your partner and see each other through a webcam. With the help of effective communication, you can know your partner more from a far distance. When you even place his statements side by side with the way he looks, you can easily arrive at a remarkable conclusion.

5. Online Dating Sites Are Free to Join.

Online dating sites have made it easy for people to become members because you don’t have to pay to sign up. The registration fee can hinder many people from becoming members if they can’t afford it so it is free to everyone. Those of these online dating sites that require you pay to register have even made it affordable so that you don’t pay through your nose. When you are registering, it is not compulsory you give all your details but you are advised to be truthful with the information you are ready to give about yourself.

6. Online Dating Sites Give Rooms for Easy Termination of Relationships.

It is easier to terminate a relationship you established through the online dating sites because you are not seeing your partner physically. Someone that dates his/her partner physically gets tied in the relationship longer than desired. This is because he/she is highly compassionate and won’t be able to meet his/her partner eyeball to eyeball and say he/she is no longer interested in the relationship. This is because he/she won’t be able to bear the physical emotional reactions of his/her partner.

Dating online truly saves you money but does not in any way rule out the importance and influence of giving. Giving goes a long way to get the attention of your partner. It is easier in a case where you don’t have to spend a dime to get any gift of your choice for your partner. How do I mean? There are lots of incredibly awesome free products being given out by companies which you can always get at the blog below. If you were not aware, this is your chance to get your own completely free. You could also get a love test at my blog to check if you and your partner are for each other. Visit and get as many free products as you want right away.

6 Online Dating Tips for Guys That Actually Work

1. Choose the Right Site, Even if You Have to Pay For It

Never choose a dating site because that’s the one everyone else uses. The most popular sites have the most competition, not a good idea if you want to meet someone quickly. There are dozens of dating sites online. There are religious based sites, fetish based sites, sites based on sexual preference, online dating for seniors, there are race-based sites and many more.

Even if you have to pay a monthly fee, consider that fee an investment into your future. If you are lonely now, wouldn’t you pay $20 or less a month if you were told you could meet the woman of your dreams? Of course you would. You probably spend that on leisurely activities right now that don’t bring you near as much pleasure as a dream matchup would bring you.

There are free sites, low paid sites and expensive ones. Don’t just discount a site because it charges and never discount a free site because you think it’s too cheap and saturated. Choose a site based on your preference, your budget and the number of available matches there are in the dating pool. And don’t be afraid to try several at once. The more sites you put profiles on, the more likely you are to find a match.

2. Search Like You’re a Woman To Beat Your Competition

The hardest part about online dating for men is the filling out of the profile. Most men have absolutely no idea how to present themselves in order to maximize their dating chances. To make matters worse, most online dating help for men fails to touch the process of filling out the profile. Most articles and videos online tell men to be honest and let the woman know what you want. If you want to create a profile that gets results, you must study the competition. Who are you up against? This is going to require you to search the online dating site you’re on as if you were a woman.

It is going to feel strange looking through a bunch of guys’ online dating photos, but this is a necessary step if you want the greatest edge.

If you can take what’s working and make it better, you will succeed at online dating faster than any of the other guys in your dating pool. This is one of those free online dating tips that you rarely read online and yet it’s so effective at putting you on top of whatever dating site you choose.

Pay attention to the photos men are using, the language they’re using, their headlines and anything else that stands out. Take plenty of notes and then write your profile. When you have a page full of profile tidbits, headline ideas and other crucial elements, you won’t find yourself staring at a blinking cursor when you’re asked to fill out your About Me, Ideal Date and any other sections you are required to fill out.

In other words, cheat. Online dating for men doesn’t have to be so difficult if you know the easy ways to do things.

3. Be Honest With Your Date and Yourself

One of the biggest complaints most women have about online dating is the fact that men tend to lie. One recent dater recounted a story where she met a man in real life and she said that his age, height and weight were all different than he implied them to be via their online communications.

She said that he was two inches shorter, twenty years older and at least twenty pounds heavier. His response to being caught in a blatant lie, or three of them for that matter? He shrugged, smiled and said, “Everyone lies on the Internet.”

That is not the way to begin any type of relationship. Out of all the online dating tips for guys you will hear in your lifetime, heed this one first and foremost. Be honest about who you are and what your motivations are. Don’t lie about your age, weight, height, job, income or anything else. You will be found out eventually, especially if the date ever progresses to an offline setting.

Creating an online dating profile can cause you to really take a look at yourself. Don’t lie to make yourself feel better or to entice more dates to contact you. It’s not worth it and it will only deter possible matches in the future.

4. Dig Deep to Find Ice-Breakers

This is another bit of online dating advice guys never hear. When a woman fills out an online dating profile, that is all the information she wants you to know about her. The problem for her is, the Internet is vast and probably holds much more information than what she’s offering. In fact, there is probably information online that she’d rather you not know. Use this free online dating tip with caution. You can find out a lot more about your date by Internet-stalking her, so to speak, but you might not be able to erase any bad press you find from your mind. That can be a problem if you end up really liking the person.

If you don’t mind digging up a little dirt on your potential date-to-be, start Googling the person’s name, headline or anything else. People tend to use the same usernames across multiple platforms, headlines and other elements. Some people even put their Facebook profile links on their page. Use any and all information you find to your advantage.

Your goal isn’t to open a file on them or stalk them (looking someone up online is only called cyber stalking), rather it is to gather info that can be used to break the ice with that person.

You are looking for common ground, something that you both can talk and have a conversation about. This should really only be used if you can’t find anything in the person’s profile. These days you might uncover DUI arrest records, mugshots, divorce records and a lot more on Google and the other engines. Be careful what you search for.

5. Be Intriguing, Even if Your Life is Boring

Even if you live in a nondescript house and you work as an accountant, you can still make your life sound exciting. Get creative with it and pretend you’re writing a mystery novel. You don’t have to get too crazy with it, but try to be mysterious, intriguing and try to keep her guessing as to what you do or what you’re into. The more fun you have with it, the more you’ll stand out from other guys on the dating site you’re on and the more success you’ll have overall.

The dating advice guys need the most is the ability to leave the woman guessing. Leave some information for the first date. Nobody says you have to spill the beans in your profile. Leave her guessing, imply more than tell and you’ll get better results.

6. Get on the Phone or Cam Quickly

In the cult film Napoleon Dynamite, the main character’s brother, Kip, meets a girl online and is telling his brother about it across a table at a restaurant. Kip says that they’ve been chatting for two hours every night and, with a nod, says, “I guess it’s getting pretty serious.”

To make a true match with someone, you have to form an emotional connection. It is possible to form an emotional connection via chat. Kip is one example. However, you will build an emotional connection faster and with more impact if you can get the woman on the phone or Skype or other cam-based chat.

Once you form an emotional connect, the rest is fun and games. The endorphins will take over and you’ll be on that love rollercoaster that most people spend most of their lives reminiscing about and chasing. Get the digits or the Skype address and take your chat to the phone or cam for a much faster connection.